As you know I have been going through the 1st stages of Greif after the passing of Angie. This morning I was awakened by the sound of something moving quickly on my nightstand. It passed over my remotes and lasted only a second or two. I looked over the top of the nightstand and could find nothing out of place. At first I thought it was one of my apprentices doing her homework of moving objects at a distance. So I fired of a text saying, ’you woke me up at 5 AM, well done, keys are not there.’
The exercise as planed is to have the apprentice move my blanket, pillow, keys or even me remotely. I was surprised to receive a text that said, ‘it wasn’t me’. If not an apprentice then who, Angie of course. Letting me know she is around. I am pleased she hasn’t started making the lights flicker and is leaving the computers and TV’s alone. Why would she want to wake me up at 5 AM, hmm because it is funny! Not to me of course but she did have a sense of humor about her.
This whole Grief thing is not new to me, having lost people before this. Even so it does sneak up on me. While shopping at Costco a few days ago. I saw some blueberries and was going to buy them for Angie. Having had the thought, I realized she wasn’t going to want them anymore. It is kind of strange that somewhere in my mind she is alive, and yet she isn’t physically here anymore.
I have a little wooden box with some of her ashes in it. For some reason I couldn’t bring it into my new apartment. I have it in the car. My intent is to take it to Orcas Island, climb to the top of Mt Constitution and drop some of her ashes there. Earlier in the year she had mentioned she wanted to go there. In my small way, she will still get to do that.
While at the movies with my son last week. I was seeing previews of movies Angie had wanted to see. Wanted to see them at home as she was coughing to much to see it at the theater. As I watch those previews and movies, her memories comes to mind. It is a subtle thing, just at the edge of thought, this feeling of loss awaits. The quiet moments in my life when I am not thinking or remembering, just doing, that is when I feel that sudden loss.
May we all find joy, may we all have more than enough love in our lives.
Walks With Thunder.