Fathers Day 2013,
Looking back on my past Fathers Days I don’t recall doing much for my father. I think we did a card in grade school and an ash tray of clay from my hand print. I didn’t really think about it, as fathers go mine was there most of the time. However I had judgment around his actions. Had I realized he was married to a Drama Queen I would have probably had less judgment around him, at the time I didn’t know. I thought my mom was “normal” not having comparisons. He drank beer, I didn’t like the smell of that, and I didn’t like the effect it had on him either. As it brought to the surface his angry side, most likely that is why I don’t drink, not wanting to be that person. He smoked a pack a day for all the time I knew him. I didn’t like the smell of that either. As a result I don’t smoke or associate with those that smoke.
Being a father is a choice. I see many children growing up without fathers. They won’t know the joy of having a father that cares about them. Educates them and supports what they want to do in life. Those absent fathers not only ran out on a child, baby, but also a woman. Being a single parent is a tough job. I only did it for 5 years but I can tell you it took all I had to maintain everything myself. Cooking, cleaning, dad taxi, school, work, and so on. It is probably a good thing those men run out on their responsibilities as their children won’t learn from them. Knowing it was a jerk move to leave and not be there for the family they created and then broke. I have no respect for such men, they are the worst example of what men are and can be.
My dad was a great example of what not to do. I recall thinking that I wanted to be a much better father than the one I got. My son and I talked about everything. We went on a trip to Disneyland from Seattle to LA. On the flight he had so many question at age 4. Dad why is the sky blue? It is blue because the air filters out all the other colors except blue. It should be black as space is black. The sun light hits the air (atmosphere) and reflects only the blue color to us here on the ground. Dad, why does the flash light blink with a red light? If there was a problem and the power went out on the airplane, the blinking light would help you find it. If there is a problem you don’t want to stand up if the air is full of smoke, the better air that won’t hurt you is down there near the floor. So you don’t have to stand up to get that flashlight. Our flight attendant upon hearing my explanation added, you Dad is right. There are also lights in the floor to lead you to the exits, they only come on in an emergency. I have noticed that even today my son asks me questions. These days his question are much harder and some times my answer is you’re going to have to Google that my son.
We read the Harry Potter series of books when he was 6 and continued on till he was 9, at which point he took the latest book and said I can read this faster on my own dad. Owch, I loved reading to him and noted the milestone of him reading faster to himself than hearing me read to him. There have been many milestones some happy some not so happy. When my 1st wife and I got a divorce I asked him who would you like to live with and who would you like to visit? Dad I want to live with you. It is unusual for a man to get custody of the child in our country. Single dads are rare, most women are better at the nurturing part of raising children. Over the years we were bachelors together for years.
One of my rules as a single father was to let my son have a say in who I dated. After a few dates I would decide if they should meet my son or not. If they did meet him I told them if he doesn’t like you I can’t date you. I have to respect his needs and comfort level. That worked out for us as my son always felt secure that if an evil person tried to be in our lives he could say no. That is not working for me and be heard and have action taken.
There are some lessons I still have to teach him about relationships and communication. My job as his father is probably never going to be finished. He keeps telling me to be good to him as he is going to choose my care facility when I am old. These days my son is on his own. We see each other twice a week if we can, going to dinner or movies or just talking about our common interests. He said dad you know we are very compatible as friends, because you raised me to like what you like. We played computer games together since he could sit up. We watched the same movies, and TV shows. Of course I like what you like we grew up together doing those things. I like the way he puts it, we grew up together.
At some point in his life I know that spirit will call him. When it does it will be my honor to teach him what I know about spirit, being shaman runs in the blood you know. He asks for my help when he needs it. When he bought a car I was there to watch over the deal. Had to step in only once with the actual blue book value of the car he wanted. He got a fair price. When he had an unavoidable accident he asked me to be there for his insurance mediation. That took a couple years. A young man from Russia had been in the car my son hit. He felt the insurance should pay a much higher price for his pain and suffering. My son’s lawyer said you can take this or leave it. Eventually he took it.
I love my son, but I don’t have to like him, though I do. We have a joyful time together just being who we are. He is the better version of me, smarter, nicer, healthier, and sometimes wiser too. The greatest thing I have ever done is be his father. I know healing people is important but the lasting effect I have left on our world is my son. He makes it a better place by being the best he can be.
May all the fathers in our world know they are important to the children they have. That doing your best is all anyone can do. Take time to enjoy the children you have, they are only going to be that size today. Enjoy the wonder they bring, share the discovery, and share what you know with them, read to them with funny voices and facial expressions. Bring the magic of our world alive for them, walking in nature, sharing a family pet. Letting them know they are important and that you love them every day. Even today I always tell my son I love you.